The Elusive Self Worth
By: Katrina Mendizabal
Self Worth, Self Esteem, Self Love, Self Confidence… all of these phrases have slightly different meanings but the same end result. It’s believing in yourself. I will use these terms interchangeably because of this.
Before I share my kernels of wisdom I want to make one clarification. On your journey of self-discovery you will come across people who think you are being selfish, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. Being selfish is putting your WANTS above other people’s needs. Self worth, or having a strong self-esteem is putting YOUR NEEDS over other people’s wants. And the first step to having a healthy self-esteem and self-worth is discovering the needs you have. This process is different for everyone but the bottom line remains the same. Your needs come before anyone else’s wants.
In order to compile a bit of what I’ve learned in a manageable way, I’ve created 4 steps or principles on how to discover your worth. Take them all or take one. These are some of the things I had to learn over and over again. Consequently, they stood out to me as very important.
Step 1: Reclaim your title.
I am a feminist. I’m not telling you this to get political but to explain this technique of reclaiming. I’m sure some of you cringed as soon as you heard the word feminist. That word has been dragged through media and society until (in some circles) it is no longer recognizable or associated with anything positive. But to me that word reminds me of the women who fought for my right to vote. That word to me means being proud that I’m a woman and all that entails. That word makes me think I could have been one of those women fighting for the rights I take advantage of today. I chose to reclaim that word to define a piece of myself. I am choosing to change the stereotype around that word to show what feminism can look like.
One other title I am currently trying very hard to reclaim is Plus Size, or Fat. Did she just say the F word? Yes, yes she did. Fat is not a bad word. Every single human being on this earth has fat. So why do we allow ourselves to be defined by how much of it someone has? Guess what? We are made up of bones, muscle, tissue, organs, water, earth, stars, the whole of cosmos is inside us. So why is there one part of our makeup that matters more than the rest? I submit to you that it does not! Reclaim Your Titles! You decide what matters and You decide what affects you. So in order to reclaim this title I remind myself that I am so many other things than just fat, but also? That fat isn’t the end all or be all. It is one descriptive factor. I’m not fat but I do have fat. And that’s ok. I am also strong, curvy, sensual, brave, and so much more.
Step 2: Embrace your differences
I say that like it’s a piece of cake right? Well, I do understand how difficult it can be so start off small. As a young child I grew up celebrating a lot of my differences. I am a red haired, green eyed, freckle covered individual. And not for one second of my childhood did I think any of that was bad. I loved my red hair, I think my mom and sister were instrumental in making it very clear to me that those traits were special. Never once did I wish I had a different hair color. And with role models like Pippi Longstocking and Ariel from the Little Mermaid, I was a force to be reckoned with. This is something I have always loved about myself. Even in my darkest moments this exact thought went through my head, “at least I have great hair.” And it may sound silly but if you can embrace just one small thing about yourself, it can open up the pathway to embracing ALL of yourself.
Have you heard of the story The Giver? For those who weren’t forced to read it in grade school or may have forgotten its message; it’s a book about a future society that controls what people wear, what they eat, who they talk to, or what their professions will be. There are no strong emotions allowed, in fact it is medicated out of them. You know, this doesn’t sound so fictional anymore. Our society, our social media, our advertising companies? They all tell us this story that we have to dress a certain way, eat certain foods, look a certain way, talk to certain people, work at certain places – or we won’t fit in. Sound familiar? The only difference between this fictional book and us is that we are actually choosing to spend money, taking time in our day, cultivating and changing as many aspects of ourselves as we can so we don’t stand out, so we aren’t too different. So we fit in. Why should we all want to look and act the same? That is unbelievably boring. Our differences make life rich and joyful. They make life worth living! It amazes me how many different stories that are out there describing this same dystopian life. Yet in every novel, in every movie where they try to take away everyone’s differences, how does it end? They end with revolution. It never works. Revolt! Embrace your differences!
Step 3: Change the conversation
How many times a day do you think a negative thought about yourself? “I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough, not smart enough…,” I could go on, it’s easy to think of those. It’s somewhat unfair that it’s harder to think positive thoughts but the benefits are life changing!
By carrying on these negative conversations with ourselves we are allowing seriously negative thoughts into our minds and our homes. So like Peter Pan simply teaches, think happy thoughts! So easy right? In my many years of education (forever a student) the thought that ‘I’m not smart enough’ often came through my head. In recent years I was reminded of a saying my flute teacher used to tell me repeatedly when I complained things were too hard, “Nothing is hard, just new.” So instead of telling myself that I wasn’t smart, I told myself I just hadn’t learned this yet. Change the conversation.
Norman Doidge confirmed this for me in his book, “The Brain That Changes Itself.” It’s about neuroplasticity; which is a fancy way of saying our brains have the ability to reorganize itself through creating different pathways when old ones aren’t as useful… which is a fancy way of saying we can literally alter our brain chemistry by thinking positively! I wish I could quote the whole book, but I can’t – so just go read it. But our brains are powerful and it believes what we tell it. So change the conversation.
If that isn’t convincing enough, how about this: Have you heard of the experiment of positive and negative words affecting plants or apples? What about water? Dr. Masaru Emoto did an experiment on crystalized water in the 90’s. He photographed crystalized water after exposing the water to different music, words, and phrases. The pictures of the snowflakes that were exposed to positive words and phrases were more symmetrical and aesthetically appealing while the pictures of the snowflakes exposed to negative words and phrases were distorted and misshapen. If our words can affect water, imagine how it’s affecting our bodies? And aren’t we 70% water? Change the conversation!
Step 4: You are not alone.
Ok this may not sound like a step but my belief is that it’s vital. The beauty of this earthly experience is that we do not have to go about this life alone. Reach out, talk about your struggles, be willing to be vulnerable. I lived the first 30 years of my life in a closed off bubble, or rather behind a brick wall. I never let anyone in, my pity parties were endless. I thought it was me against the world. But thanks to some amazing people and amazing experiences I started to change. Once I started opening up about my personal struggles to a select few it blew me away how much they understood. For the longest time I thought no way anyone knows how I feel, no way they can understand. Well, they were going through some of the very same things. In fact, sometimes they could share what they did in a situation I was currently stuck in and couldn’t see a way out of. Their words of advice and wisdom have given me so much hope in times where I could find none on my own. And sometimes if they couldn’t relate, they listened, they supported me as I shared my deepest and darkest fears. All of us struggle, but we don’t have to suffer alone.
I grew up with a strong religious background and I often chafed at its rules and regulations. But there is also no denying how much my faith has helped me. My relationship with my higher power has given me untold amounts of peace. Believing in something greater than myself helped me find several layers of worth when I thought I had none. No matter what your beliefs, (or non-beliefs), I cannot stress enough how important connecting with someone or something other than yourself is. For me, it was utterly life changing.
We can help each other become stronger by sharing our weaknesses. We can learn and grow from one another. This organization (yes, shameless plug) is a huge part of what cracked me open. Seeing other strong women share about their daily struggles allowed me a safe space to express myself without judgment. A truly freeing experience. House Of Your Heart is for every woman. Every woman who is struggling, who has given up hope, who is happy, who is worried, who is content. There is a place for you. We are stronger together. You are not alone.
Having self-worth, self-love, self-confidence, self-esteem can sometimes seem like an elusive dream. But I strongly believe if you try some of these steps or create your own (it’s all about what you need), you will find that worth. You will find that worth isn’t that elusive after all. It’s right inside you, where it’s been waiting, all along.
Katrina can also be found empowering women with her real + brave self here.
